If you follow my blog consistently you would know this blog is technically a day late but there’s a good reason why. First of all this isn’t the easiest subject to talk about and two, yesterday I had conflicting thoughts about whether to even post it. The reason I’m going ahead with it anyway is because truth is I had penned this blog down a long while ago. I just didn’t have in mind to write about some of the things I’m going to address but everything happens for a reason. Not only that but I’m honestly hoping that it will help people – even if it is just one person.
Just warning you this post is quite long and depending on how quickly you read it will take a little while to get through all of it.
The purpose of me writing about this issue was because a few months ago I had stumbled upon this article on twitter and felt really sad at some of the feelings communicated by some of the women that had contributed to the article.
If you’d like to read it you can click the link below:
I felt that some of the feelings spoken about were really harsh and almost insensitive but at the same time I felt that I could relate to them and what they were communicating – just not at this point in my life.
I remember finding out I was pregnant just after my nineteenth birthday and feeling absolutely devasted at the sight of the two blue lines on the stick. For me, my feelings were driven by an overwhelming sense of fear. Like, how will I be able to look after a baby? How will I even manage the birth? How on earth will I tell my parents? his parents? What will people think of me? What about college? I felt like my thoughts were doing 100mph. I’m sure all of these thoughts came into my head simultaneously. After my initial shock and disbelief, I thought, when I call my [then] boyfriend he would make it all better because he had been adamant he wanted us to have a baby for as long as I could remember. I thought when I call him, he’s going to be ecstatic and not only that he’s going to be the voice of reassurance and reason and calm down these crazy thoughts and feelings I had going through my head.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
At first there was an overwhelming and lengthy silence to the point where I started to feel a heaviness in my gut. Then after a length of time that felt like forever he said the words “I can’t have a baby right now, so you have to get rid of it – what are you going to do?”
I can’t remember exactly what I felt at that point but I can imagine it must have been confusion and anger. What did he mean by “what are you going to do,” Like it was somehow all my fault we were in this position. What else was I to do? Whether we liked it or not, I was going to be a mum and he was going to be a dad – abortion was not an option. It just wasn’t in my nature or character to do that. Although I wasn’t a ‘proper’ christian at that time, obviously. There were some things I still had christian values for and that issue was one.
I explained this to him and for a split second it felt as if I was talking to a spoilt child. He went on a rant about how could I do this to him and kept going on about how he wouldn’t be able to tell his mum. I’m sure at one point I had looked at my phone wondering if I was talking to the right person. This was completely the opposite reaction I was expecting – and eventually one of us cut off the phone. I remember sitting on the floor my heart completely broken by the person I thought could make it all better for the angst I was already feeling.
Anyway, fast forwarding to when my baby boy was born – everything had seemed to have sorted itself out. After weeks or months of ignoring me and pretending all this wasn’t happening, my boyfriend came round and we ended up moving into together so we could be a ‘real family’.
I’ll never forget the trauma of my labour and the fact that when my son, Kae, came out of me he was pronounced clinically dead. My heart broke and I remember my voice just screaming. He was rushed into another room to be resuscitated and I remember just wanting him to cry so badly. I just wanted my baby. That minute or so was the longest minute of my life. Thankfully he was revived and day by day he went from strength to strength. Although I hated being in the hospital for the length of time we had to wait to be discharged, I remember just being overwhelmingly happy. I had everything I felt I had wanted. My other half by my side and the beautiful baby boy we thought we had lost – and he was beautiful.
Although everything seemed perfect the joy wasn’t to last long. A mixture of factors were to blame including immaturity on both of our parts, but we had broken up by the time Kae was two months old. I will never forget the first night I went to sleep by myself with this little bundle in his moses basket sleeping next to me, and crying so much I thought my insides would fall out. I couldn’t believe this had all happened to me. I had gone from being a teenage mum in a stable relationship to a ‘babymother’ overnight. I hated the idea of being a ‘stigma’, a statistic and even worse a sterotype.
I looked at this baby and although I loved him still – I didn’t want him anymore. I just wanted this situation undone and if I could have clicked my fingers and undone it all I would have without a second thought.
So this is what I meant when I said that I could relate in some way to what these women were writing about. I would get up in the morning and get on with everything I needed to do for him without a problem – but when I put my head down to sleep at night all I could do was cry. Unless you’ve experienced that type of regret you will never understand it. For me it wasn’t necessarily regret for Kae, it was regret for the situation – and I felt this way all the way up until I gave my life to CHRIST – or so I thought.
I think when I got saved I came to terms with my situation and mentally learnt to accept it, but the emotional hurt of it all never went away. In fact it probably intensified.
There were guys that I thought I would start serious relationships with that told me point blank that I was everything they wanted in a girl but they couldn’t get over the fact that I had a child that would never be theirs. Looking back at that, I should have run a mile anyway because that statement screams an immaturity that at this stage of my life I didn’t need, but I didn’t. Rather, it broke me and made me so insecure about myself and my situation that I almost lost myself.
Now again, please don’t confuse my hurt with regretting Kae. He’s my son and I love him unconditionally but over the years all the emotional hurt built up from his father, our relationship, other relationships caused me to be emotionally disconnected from him as my child.
I can’t even remember exactly when I started to notice it, or how it crept up on me because I had never consciously felt that way. It was almost underlying. But it was little things like not being able to be fully affectionate with him anymore. I couldn’t really cuddle him or give him kisses as I did before. It was almost as if all that emotional turmoil had switched my natural instincts of love completely off – and it was disturbing.
For a long while I ignored it, but it became impossible to ignore when I had my second child. Not long after I felt in my heart that my feelings towards them were completely different. It wasn’t that I didn’t or don’t love Kae but the emotional attachment was just the opposite of my attachment with Israel. I also feel that because Kae went to his dad’s for three or four days at a time it was easier to ignore. I would kind of get through my days and I was left to myself.
I remember this overwhelming sense of guilt that I felt this way and on top of that more guilt because I had ignored it for so long. I felt like if I had addressed it sooner, I could have made it right. Especially before Kae noticed.
I remember breaking down in tears before GOD asking HIM to change my heart. Pleading with HIM to help me to feel what I felt that night I thought I had lost Kae for good – and for weeks I was conscious of how I would speak to him, spend time with him and make him feel wanted but it was so unnatural for me because I had been in this state for so long.
I remember speaking to my husband about it, and thank GOD he didn’t judge me or think I was a psycho. He just said ok and promised he would do whatever he could to help me get through it.
Then something happened. I knew deep down Kae knew something wasn’t right but because he’s still young he wouldn’t know how to address it and what to do with his own feelings. He had made up a wave of stories at school about some incidents that never happened including how I had treated him and it landed me in a lot of trouble – to the point where he was almost taken away.
Now at the time this all happened, I was upset aswell as angry. I almost felt like why now? Why when I had finally began to confess it and allow GOD to change me would all of this blow up in my face.
Another thing that made my guilt worse was that the few people I had confided in about my feelings said they had seen it for years, they were just waiting for me to admit it, as not to cause offence.
Honestly, I thank GOD the situation was dealt with and I also thank GOD for bringing the truth to light, it could have gone completely the opposite way – but the reality is, not only do I need healing, but there’s a little eight year old boy who needs healing too.
From before he had any understanding of anything hes been passed from pillar to post, seen both his parents get married and have other kids, and I just feel like it is all a bit too much for a child of his age to go through. Not to mention the emotional disconnect he’s felt from me.
This period is definately a challenging one but more than anything it’s a time for restoration and healing. Not just for me but for my baby, and I’m so thankful that GOD is a pro at restoring things that are broken – and I truly believe that in time, I will look back and be so amazed at the glorious work HE has done.
Now I’ve said all that to say this.
There is a reason why GOD has put certain things in place. A man and a woman married together to have and raise well-rounded children. It’s the doing things our own way and choosing sin that ruins the natural order of family and eventually society as a whole. Can you imagine how many women, children and families that are caught up in emotional turmoil such as this – if not worse? Maybe women that have felt what I feel and have resorted to physical abuse or fathers that sexually abuse their kids? We know these things happen and it stems from somewhere.
If I’m completely honest, I find it hard to believe and almost accept that all of this has happened all whilst being saved but can you imagine if I was still living as a sinner trying to figure out all my mess and emotions completely by myself? I can’t even imagine where I or Kae would be.
If you have no idea who I am and you happen to have stumbled upon this blog dealing with any of these feelings that I speak about, please don’t suffer in silence. First of all I want you to know that there is a GOD in heaven who loves you, who saw you in all your flaws and mistakes and loves you anyway. He sent CHRIST to die on the cross not just to save you from sin but to deliver you from turmoil such as this.
The bible says “Who the son sets free is free indeed,” You just need to confess HIM as Lord and Saviour and claim it – and I encourage you to do that today.
If you do know me personally, and you read this with a judgmental attitude or spirit – I pity you – that you would be blind enough not to look at your own life and see imperfections or mistakes. The bible also says that ALL of us have sinned and fall short of the glory of GOD. Just because my flaws are different from yours doesn’t make you different from me. We have ALL fallen short.
This has been the hardest thing for me to come out and share, but I’m sharing it to bring hope to others that may be in the same situation.
I know there’s people that may read this and think, I was a single parent and I love all my kids. Without any malice – good on you.
Keep loving them, and for the small majority of women that can and will relate, give it over to GOD and know that you’re not alone.
If you would like to accept CHRIST as your Lord and personal saviour say this prayer in your heart:
“Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my sinful life and toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”
If you said this prayer and meant it with all your heart the bible calls you ‘born again’. All it means is that you have been made new in CHRIST.
Start to pray, read your bible and find a church that preaches the undiluted Word of GOD. If you need any help or have any questions about this feel free to email me, I’d be happy and privileged to help you through this journey.
My only advice would be to let go of and preconceptions of religion or christianity and give GOD a chance to show you who HE truly is. Not to anyone else but to you.