READING BETWEEN THE LINES…TWO BLUE ONES

It was roughly three months or so ago that I took a pregnancy test; expecting to see a single line.What kind of expectation is that? you may ask but I had taken two separate tests weeks before – and they were negative. The first was a week after missing my period and the second test was two. In mine and the doctors’ mind there was no way I was pregnant and after a short while of investigating my constant illness, headaches and lack of menstruation, they had decided that my thyroid disorder was in relapse.

I was diagnosed with a hyperthyroid in early 2014 after suffering from the symptoms of it for roughly two years. Luckily for me, after being on medication for a year I was given the all clear. That said, they did explain to me that the thyroid can begin to malfunction again at anytime, especially after having a baby – which I had just had, so to me it all made sense. Of course it’s not what I wanted to hear but after two negative tests that was the only explanation.

I mean, what else could it be?

I remember calling the GP to find out the results of the blood tests, checking the levels of thyroxine in my blood. I expected them to say “Yes, Mrs. Rose-Hazel, it would seem that you have a high level of thyroxine in your system which indicates a relapse of the hyperthyroidism. You’ll have to be referred to a specialist straight away,”

Needless to say the conversation I had with the receptionist was quite the oppposite

“Hello Mrs. Rose-Hazel. Yes, your blood test results have come back and everything is fine. The doctor has noted there will be no further action.”

I came off the phone completely confused. If it wasn’t that then what an earth was it?

I had had a spare test in my bathroom cabinet so I thought, for the sake of it and further reassurance let me just do it again. I never expected to see TWO BLUE LINES and all I could feel was an absolute sense of shock and bewilderment.

If I had seen the lines when I took the first test I would have been shocked but it would have made sense. The second test, I took on the day of my father-in-laws funeral, so if I had seen the blue lines then I would have been accepting and almost happy. I would have seen it as a light in the midst of a dark place – especially for my husband.

That day I was actually convinced I was pregnant so when I only saw a single line I was somewhat disappointed, but was able to shake it off considering the fact that I wasn’t actually ready, mentally or physically for another baby anyway.

At this point so much was already happening…

I didn’t know what to feel or what to say. I wish I could describe it.

I remember telling my husband and then calling my mum. I also told my close friend and sister and all were as shocked as me.

When I calculated my dates it worked out that I was almost three months pregnant already. How does that even begin to make sense?

For those of you that have been following my blog and youtube journey you’ll remember for a long period of time, almost from the very beginning, I had been complaining of being ill. So ill that I couldn’t function properly and the youtube videos and blog posts slowly came to a standstill.

Honestly, looking back it seems almost comical because before I began to believe it was my thyroid playing up I was blaming it on everything.

I remember the first ‘symptom’ I had was my taste going completely off. Especially for water. Now, I was a water freak – if there’s any such thing – and really that is all I would drink unless I felt the pull towards something a bit sweeter. Even that, I would mix a cordial, but for some reason water became disgusting to me.

We have a water dispenser on our fridge and every time I drank water from it I would feel so sick to the point where I wanted to vomit. It took a couple of days for me to realise this but when I did, I remember giving my husband a swift rebuke for not cleaning the dispenser out often enough and allowing it to go mouldy [It wasn’t]. He took the dispenser apart and cleaned it but I was so put off, I refused to drink from it and only drank bottled water, but the sickness wouldn’t go away.

How was I supposed to digest all this information? That in a short few months I would be a mum again for the third time? I just didn’t feel ready.

I guess for the first few weeks following my ‘blue lines’ discovery I was a little bit indenial. I started telling myself that it had to be a best out of three. Two negative – one positive. The last test must have been faulty. I also delayed my going to the GP for a few weeks too but deep down I knew this was all very real and that this was very much happening.

Now please, I really hope no one reads this and begins to think that I didn’t or don’t want this baby. As a christian, I truly believe that every child is a blessing from GOD and I also believe that if we were pregnant without actively trying then it’s for a good reason.

I might not see it or understand it now, but I believe there is a plan and a purpose and in time all will be revealed.

That said It has taken me a little while to digest. As women, I think we worry alot and I kept thinking things like:

We’re not working at the moment – how would we afford another baby? We just moved house, how on earth will we afford to move again let alone find somewhere? I was also thinking about the impact it might have on mine and Kae’s developing relationship. Now things were progressing, would this news would be a spanner in the works because the reality is I’d have even less time to spend with him.

At one point it was all a bit too much, but it all came to a head when I found out that a couple of people had found out my news and were talking to others about it in a demeaning way.

I wasn’t only heartbroken I was angry. Like, who gave these people the right to share news that had absolutely nothing to do with them and for the select few that were speaking about it negatively, I just didn’t understand it.

After a couple of days steaming over this, and having calmed down, I was confronted by someone who thought it was appropriate to congratulate me on my pregnancy infront of a group of people.

I don’t have any sort of relationship with this person, so again I was baffled as to how and why my news had reached them. After that, there was one more incident which cut so deep, I decided that I wasn’t going to tell anyone else or allow anyone else to find out – and I hid it.

Under big coats, shirts and scarfs, I just didn’t show it all and for those that had found out via chinese whispers, I’m pretty sure they started to believe it was just rumours because I had shown and let onto absolutely nothing.

For me personally, I just needed time to collect my thoughts, fears and emotions without hearing all the comments of people who have no clue how their words and actions can honestly hurt people.

Being pregnant is such a fragile thing, and I don’t take it for granted for one second.

I know people who have been trying for years but to no avail and I know of others who have been pregnant and lost babies in their first, second and third trimester – all the way up to delivery.

When a woman finds out she’s expecting, it is up to her who she tells and when, nobody else, and I don’t understand why people feel it’s their right to know when it has nothing to do with them, let alone make a comment.

I don’t believe for a moment that any of these people did or said what they did out of spite, but I do think it’s important for people to be a bit more responsible with their words and actions – especially when it comes to sensitive information such as this.

GOD forbid, if I had suffered an early miscarriage, why would I want people who have no personal relationship with me knowing that sort of information?

The only reason I announced it now is because my protruding stomach refused to hide any longer and people were starting to notice!

Also, I wanted to start being and feeling joyous about it. In the last week or two I’ve started to feel baby really kick and move and it dawned on me there’s a brand new life inside of me. Kae and Israel are such blessings to me so how can I feel any regret for any more, or allow other people to put a downer on something they clearly have no respect for.

I’m trying to live a positive life no matter what the outlook may be, because life is way too short to be worrying about what other people will think.

I’m so excited for some of the content I have planned for the channel regarding this pregnancy but in all honesty, I won’t be documenting everything in a step by step sort of way, but I will do things such as pregnancy lookbooks seeing as I can no longer wear alot of my normal clothes!

I know for a fact that the rest of this journey isn’t going to be easy. This week I did a two day vlog with day one documenting how I have to work around the kids to produce content for the blog and the channel. If you haven’t seen it, you can watch it here or click the video below.

I can’t even imagine how I’ll be able to do it with two babies on tow, but one thing I do know is that we are alot stronger than we believe we are.

All it takes is to get to what seems like an obstacle to develop a skill and a resilience that we never had before. So by GOD’s grace we’ll be welcoming baby no.3 to our family in May 2017 :))

To those of you that know me, love me and truly support me and my family thank you, from the bottom of my heart. It means much more to me than I can express in words.

And for those that will read this that don’t know me I hope you can and will be inspired by a woman who’s determined to succeed and be a blessing to her family, regardless of the circumstances 🙂

I hope you all have an amazing week, and for those who are participating in the Vitamin E challenge don’t forget to document your results so we can see

Joanne

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